Frail Self Control - by Erik Smith
Staring
out of my window
Looking at the people roll by
Glancing from place to place
Doing my best not to cry
Holding on to my grace
I think about what I've done
Everything both good and bad
I think about the friends I've lost
I think about the friends I have
Wishing all things had no cost
Splitting my mental powers
Drawing a line more solid by the day
Trying to keep my sanity
But each side wants the other to pay
Pissing off everything inside of me
Where will I end up
Between walls of pureness and decay
Looking for an ending
Hoping for a happy one today
But so much time left to be spending
Hope built up then lost
Praying to anyone for aid
Looking for an answer to the question
Hoping I won't end up totally decayed
Trying to leave something inside to mention
I so dearly love one person
But I can't seem to keep control
I try stupidly without planning
Need some new help to enroll
Watch the errors while expanding
Screaming in silence only works for so long
I end up creating hell aloud after too long
I wish when it happens they won't remember for long
I wish I could make people understand my heart
Wish they could hear it through some song
I try now to hold back the tears
Now even from everybody
Who would understand me anyway
Swimming in so many foreign thoughts
This isn't anything I've been taught
New shit seeping up every day
Why can't it just fucking go away
The sweet man stuck behind the curtain
Poking his head through from time to time
Use to never leave the stage
Now shrouded by the black backdrop divine
The man too covered by his own rage
Wishing to merely turn back the page
How to bring myself out
Re-ignite the blazing pride
Collect the hatred and dispose of it
Swim back along the tide
Never again have to take my shit
I need to train again
Make myself a new best friend
Love who I am and re-emerge
Come out ahead in the end
Let all of my happiness splurge
All my pain is glowing
Attached to my heart tonight
All my hate is swelling
Directed to those not right
My heart the liar's dwelling
Growing too weak to fight
One day so far a victory
Slight backward advances
But overall a winning battle
Hoping for many more chances
Trying to escape the dark cattle
I do see the spark of life
Bobbing in and out of view
Maybe if I really try again
I'll be able to finish what I plan to do
Have a lot of happiness to spend
Show you who I am and be together again with you
I realize my life tends to revolve around you
But you don't realize how strongly you deserve it
You probably don't see how amazing you are
How tightly you match perfection, a perfect fit
Your radiance and outright grace forever there
And regardless, for you I will always care
I will soon leave the man inside bare
Show you the person inside is truly rare
Just pray for me that he will be spared
I have to remember that writing seems to help
Releasing this tension in words seems to fix me
Maybe someday in this mass of work
I'll stumble across a piece of worth
Frame the piece upon the hearth
Prove to myself I can still be gold
Capture who I really am in a whole
A picture to prove wrong all I've been told
A photograph to shatter all the things I've been called
A piece of literature full with purity but scrawled
Proof to myself there's a piece not yet mauled
One day I will explode upon the world
Blow my hate and love everyone
Leave me outside completely bare
But excite the world that I am here
Try to release it all loud and clear
Show them that we're all improve
Descend upon them all with no intent to devour
Become forever the god of the hour
Engrave myself permanently the ultimate power
Leave all that caused sorrow bleeding and sour
Like my old friend Travis they all repent and cower
Making the return
