Twelve Pages of My Mind - by Erik Smith
1 Pain within
Coming and going
Laying right under the surface
Then erupting violently out of the smallest pore
Pissing the one I love off again
Stirring it all up once more in my head
The eruption
subsides
The calmness arrives
My mind breathes again
My happiness thrives
Yet something underneath writhes
Everything I do is meaningless
Here and there I mingle near distress
Then that clouds over my greatest trials
Leaves me lying there dumbfounded and hopeless
I've got to be the better man
I fucking hate this
I see signs from someone I love
Strobe lights of hiding thoughts
Watching her stashing them away
Saying she might tell me another day
Knowing from the past there's not much of a way
2 Checking
in my memories
Looking behind the fantasies
Seeing what is going to be
Knowing that she won't tell me
Could it be
that she wants me?
Fuck you honkey and it will not be
Could it be she wants a man?
You know she does and it ain't you kid
Could it be she wants to die?
If she did it's your fault, don't lie
Could it be something has happened?
Like you'd know you pussy creep
This is it,
isn't it
I still wish I didn't give a shit
Wish nothing could stop me now
Can't stop me cause I don't care anymore
But I know that's the inner-lying whore
I sometimes don't wanna live anymore
Thought process
drags on
Rolls onward too far past dawn
Watch a semi hit a fawn
Watch a faggot such some brawn
3 Dragging myself further down
Feeling the
fuck you sang
Finally understanding the desecration
The pain opening my eyes to the complication
Seeing the less apparent meaning to the song
I've fucked
up my life beyond control
My current relationships bending on parole
Pushing myself in every direction
Still stuck in mental isolation
Trying to make some sense of it all
My prior releases
knocking again
Sex drugs and too much alcohol
Too often being scraped off my knees
Should I break down and let them in
They will take me wherever I please
But I don't want to deal with their disease
I want so
dearly to stay alive
But my reasons are falsified and fading
My friends are caused to be degrading
Those magnified moments I fail to strive
They keep making it harder for me to survive
4 Stumbling
through darkness I find nothing
Falling and yelling I grab and find nothing
Running and looking I scream and find no one
Calling out
into the dark I only hear laughter
Giggling and pointing while highlighting my disaster
Reminding me there is no happy ever after
Continuing their cruel reminiscence and laughter
Echoes traveling
from side to side I continue on
Praying that over a horizon I will soon see dawn
Crawling and crying I still continue on
Listening to the laughter
Believing there will never come a dawn
I crawl into a thorn bush trying to move on
Triggers being
pulled from my left to my right
Everything going wrong again for me tonight
I can't continue this backwards rolling fight
The fuckheads laughing on at me in spite
I want to pull out of this downward spiral flight
Yes I'm spinning
on fire
Blazing through smaller numbers
Twisting and turning as I fall from the sky
5 Trying to
keep a decent attitude
While I plummet from the sky
See the streaming descent
Enormous loss of altitude
The moon turns blood red
The fires singe my flesh
The engines sputter out
There isn't anything left
I level out
Maybe not now left for dead
I feel my hope re-ignite
Along with the ship's engines
I see a burst of sunlight
Then my world again blackens
This always fucking happens
The flat fast drop begins again
No longer
ascending
My sanity pending
All internals ending
Again we start descending
I work so
hard to save myself
Not seeing that I'm hurting all
I work so hard to help my love
6 I try too
hard and smash my cause
I induce my massive fucking loss
Like it wasn't in front of my face all along
Now I will never again sing with her
Never again play and pray and scream the song
Spiraling out of control in flames
Screaming aloud out of what once had been proud
Reliving my periodic collapse
Thinking that one day perhaps
I might live a normal life
But now I continue my fall
Too proud
to apologize
My heart so filled with lies
It's been done before
But not to me I'm such a whore
So why do tears fill my eyes
And once again while my heart cries
Tears landing on paper words
Trying to ink the separate worlds
Mind and reality
Descending too far away from me
My soul in the clouds
My heart reaching from the ground
Such a dream now
7 Mind and
heart on the ground
Soul where it's always been
Always trying to reach myself
I feel I won't ever win
Although my soul has met halfway
That was with the help of love
Where the fuck is that today
A long lost memory of that tainted dove
Fuck me fuck
me fuck me fuck me
Come fuck me and take me away
I'll grab you where I want
Fuck you into another place
Make you grab a hold of my waist
Make you scream into my face
I'll give you a fucking taste
Screw the living shit out of you
Fuck you until I feel better
And if it doesn't work I will find another
Don't you think we hate each other
If that doesn't work I'll collect the alcohol
Disappear into my solitary confinement
Try to destroy myself in isolation
8 Live on ramen
noodles and masturbation
Too fucked up to care anymore
Too broke down to search out another whore
It's time I finished myself can't continue anymore
The alcohol repents
Gets all over my pants
The room starts to spin
In the morning I begin again
Stopping for a moment to cry for myself
Wonder what I'm doing to myself
Scream back towards hating myself
Then take the bottles and smother myself
Trying so
hard to destroy myself
Trying too hard to forget myself
When all I want to do is reinvent myself
Be me again and live within
Besides this infested heap of shit
Covered still with piss and spit
Trying to get away from what I've become
Trying to get back to what I once was
Knowing that it's in there somewhere
But unable to figure out how to get there
So I try to engulf myself in delirium
Trying to reach that fun pandemonium
Wanting to be destroyed and not care
9 If ever I
emerge again
Outside of my dark confines
Please forget those crimson vines
Please destroy your pending fines
Please forgive me for those fucked up times
Please me out of the march of dimes
I don't need your pity
I just want out of this city
All created by my own head
Stored inside my heart so cold and dead
Please wait for me
I will return
Those pleasant seconds
Hello! That's me
The hours of pain and torment
That isn't me
I want you to know in your heart
I don't plan on forever being apart
I will be myself soon
I promise to you
If nothing else I want to do
I'll save myself and prove to you
I am those two seconds
And I haven't stopped loving you
10 Every moment
I try to be myself
And for any reason fuck and slip up
I never mean to get you riled up
But I don't know how to bring it up
Hey, you're being mean
And hey, I sound like an asshole
But what do I do
Take it and hang up
Like so many times
I retaliate
Like so many times of old
And if I don't stop it's over
It's not her fault I'm told
Well it's both our faults
We're on the rocks
I'll get us away from this if I can
I'll do everything possible to fix this shit
But if I don't I blame myself
And there's nothing I can do
I just want to be happy with you
But here I
am
Hoping I can do what I need
Scared to death I'll mess it up
11 Actually thinking about asking god for help
Not thinking I can do it by myself
Not wanting to make it all worse
Not prepared to watch my life slip away
Drive away forever in a cold black hearse
Staring at the television
Loud enough to make my ears bleed
So bright in the dark I can't think
Too much pain to move
Nothing left to lose
Nothing here to tempt a muse
Not paying attention to the television
Staring at the screen but watching my past
Rerunning it rolling away over and over again
Screwing myself with millions of memories
Keep on reminding myself of a paradise lost
Freeing the most terrible memories
Reviving the turmoil and hate, the pain
Knowing I can't go back there again
But wanting so bad to go back to when
Unable to heal myself enough to walk
Too lost within to even be able to talk
Shredded and out of blood here I stay
Living forever paying for what I've done
Didn't realize what I was earning had such a cost
12 But I currently
don't want it to come to that
So here I sit still subconsciously thinking
Hopes always somehow constantly sinking
So why do I sit here and keep on thinking
How do I keep myself on top of myself
Sitting here in hell I can't see myself
Together we wearily descend
To a place where sometimes happiness reigns
The nightly journey into the depths of my hell
Sometimes happier that I currently know
Go picking around my subconscious
Feeling my body getting anxious
Slipping away
Praying for a better day
Twenty-four hours forever
Me and her without decay
No more falling and slipping away
A never-ending orgasmic supply
Raise the minimum up to okay
Never again to be slipping away
